Truth Be Told

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I wrote the following email in response to an email received by someone who has read our blog:
It is only slightly nuts around here lately. Between home school, dr appointments, fundraising, and paperwork, I am running myself ragged.  I guess if you want to know the truth….I don’t feel like I’m glorifying God much.  I am worrying too much, and putting my trust in my own abilities (scary, right?).  I haven’t had a break in a while, and I am stressed and tired.  It is so hard to remember God’s grace and faithfulness right now in the trenches, when I should be focused on it more than ever.  Honestly I feel frail and inadequate right now. I guess I am writing more than you bargained for, huh?
  Our son, Boden has been home for 11 months and 4 days. He was twelve when we adopted him from Eastern Europe.  He turned 13 in April.  He has made so much progress over the past 11 months, but he still is very autistic in nature. He has Down Syndrome, and he was transferred to an adult mental institution when he was four.  He was there for 8 years before we were able to bring him home.  He is nonverbal, but SO VERY loud.  I know institutionalization is mostly what we are dealing with, not his diagnosis.  He is such a joy, and has the best smile…with dimples!
We saw Pearson from RR while we were visiting Boden.  We saw him from a distance everyday, but one day I was able to talk with him.  I use that term loosely, as he spoke Russian, and I do not.  He was sitting (like they do all day, every day) on the ground to the side of the sidewalk, and as I walked past, the he stood up and stepped in my path.  Before the nanny could jerk him out of my way, I bent down and told him that he was very sweet.  He grabbed my face with both of his hands, and pulled me down until our foreheads were touching, and stared into my eyes for a second or two (which is remarkable in it’s own right….Boden still hardly makes eye contact), and then I kissed his cheek, and his whole freckled-face light up……………..and then I had to walk away.  It was the hardest thing that I’ve had to do.  It was like he knew he needed to take the chance; he was begging to be seen–desperate for a family.  One day, hopefully soon, he’ll know that I saw him. That I came back for him.
Due to Boden’s needs, and circumstances at the time, we couldn’t bring him home then, so he has just been sitting….waiting.  There’s not a day that goes by that I haven’t thought about him.  And I am so grateful that God chose us as his parents.  We are working hard to get back to him.
So yes, we are fundraising.  Last night we were even offered a $500 matching grant.  Our FSP has to read $1289.88 to meet it.  Our tshirts haven’t been very successful, and my sensory rice project was a flop.  And so I stay awake at night scheming, trying to figure out how to make a buck for him.  We started a FB auction today.  I need it to be a success.  There are very few grants that we qualify for, since his birth country is an independent country, and we don’t need an agency.  The ones that we can apply for are Christian grants, and they are hitting me in the gut.  They are shining a light on my weaknesses, and I stare at them, and then don’t fill them out.  I am not strong right now.  I am tired, and stressed (and losing sleep and clumps of hair!).  I don’t want to answer the question “Describe your daily walk with God,” Because in my sinfulness and self-dependence, I am failing at the moment.  I am praying though. Praying for God to grant me peace, praying that God would grow my faith, praying for God’s provision, praying that I will be content with His timing, and praying for His forgiveness.
I am so sorry if this has let you down….it’s where I am at in this exact moment. I want to glorify God through this adoption.  And I know that he brought us to Pearson, so that He may be glorified….I am sorry if I did the opposite of that.  As brothers and sisters in Christ, could you just lift us up?  We are so thankful to be a part of God’s redeeming work.  I am so grateful that God has broken our hearts for the lonely and forgotten.  It’s hard sometimes being in the trenches. But I cannot WAIT to have my son home!  We are so happy that he’s ours =)
Thank you so much for reaching out to us, and for your prayers and support!
Sorry I’m Crazy……ha!Soli Deo GloriaAnd God, with His perfect timing encouraged me through this person with this response: 

 

 

Remember God’s faithfulness in providing for your first adoption. We forget so easily what God has done for us in the past. He is also using this to sanctify you. I think he is showing you your weakness for your good. Your frailty and inadequacy is normal and good. Consider what Jesus did in Matthew 14:15-18:

Now when it was evening, the disciples came to him and said, “This is a desolate place, and the day is now over; send the crowds away to go into the villages and buy food for themselves.” But Jesus said, “They need not go away; you give them something to eat.” They said to him, “We have only five loaves here and two fish.” And he said, “Bring them here to me.”
Jesus asked them to do the impossible, let them feel their insufficiency, then graciously supplied what they needed. He enabled them to obey his command.

God is glorified when his strength shines through your weakness.

2 Corinthians 12:9-10
“But he said to me, “My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.” Therefore I will boast all the more gladly of my weaknesses, so that the power of Christ may rest upon me. For the sake of Christ, then, I am content with weaknesses, insults, hardships, persecutions, and calamities. For when I am weak, then I am strong.”
You aren’t letting me down, and if you did, don’t worry about it. Our aim is to please God (2  Corinthians 5:9).
I hope I was able to encourage you in some way. Stay on your knees before God and trust in His provision and timing!
We will be praying for you. 

 

Please pray for us as we fight for our child.  It feels like war. It is spiritual warfare….This is hard. But it is a hard that is so worth doing.  It’s a good kind of hard. A hard that’s ordained by God the Father, And though I may be weak……….

Tshirt Fundraiser is here.
FB Auction is here.
Christmas shop is here.
And here is our Family Sponsorship Page on RR where you can make a tax deductible donation towards our adoption.

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2 responses »

  1. You may not be interested in this option, but we considered it at one point in our journey. It’s called the ABBA Fund. Here’s the link:
    http://www.abbafund.org/how-we-help/loans/
    It’s a Christian organization that offers interest-free loans. They call them “covenant loans”. I know it’s scary to think about raising all this money, so it’s at least a little bit comforting to know about some other options. Hope this helps. Praying for your family. Good thing we serve a mighty BIG God. 🙂

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